I dreamt of a leap year.


It’s as if I closed my eyes and had a year-long dream.  The only thing indicating the passage of time is an extra foot of hair on my head.

I just had the craziest dream.

Upon waking, I found myself standing on the street in front of PODs backpackers in KL.

Here I am standing exactly where I was one year ago. It’s as if I closed my eyes and had a really long, crazy dream. And when I awoke, you guys were gone. The only thing indicating the passage of time is a foot of extra hair on my head. Wearing the same shirt, with the same bag on my back, eating at the same restaurant.

What is the point of travel? It sometimes feels like a pretty useless form of escapism. A lazy hazy permanent vacation. Does it serve others than yourself? I like to tell myself it makes the world a better place by increasing one human’s understanding and awareness of the lives and situations of humans of different lands. The way of living you are exposed to in the bubble of your life isn’t the only way of living and being. Humans are diverse and the more you experience the more you become a more complete being, a more rounded consciousness. Hopefully this will spill over into your decision making. Wiser, broader view-pointed decisions. I think it’s made me more compassionate.

When is the right time to go home? It sometimes feels like a pretty selfish form of escapism. There are others back at home that miss you. You have removed yourself from their lives. Distance-covering communications will never replace being there for them. Is it when someone gets sick? Someone dies? Do you stick to your plans and keep on wandering the earth in spite of this? Will you only go home when you miss them too much, and not the other way around?

Whether the dream was real or not, the question is does it matter?

Lately I haven’t been seeing as many ‘sights’. Oh, I’ve been seeing a lot. Just not running around like a recent grad on their first 4-month trip around SEA (aka like a chicken with it’s head cut off). I’ve been seeing the stuff you only see when you stop trying so hard to see things.

I feel tired. I’m tired because I have no home. I’ve been living out of a bag for 425 days now. Humans need a home, and home will never be the road. Those who travel forever are running from something they won’t face, or searching for something they’ll never find, or just plain lazy beyond salvation.

Sometimes these days, I just feel like I want to go home.

http://youtu.be/DHEOF_rcND8


Snapshots from the year-long dream that was:

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Pre-trav

Jan 28, 2011

“On a long enough timeline the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.” –Zero Hedge

Travelling is good.  In a small way, I feel that right before you leave for a big, long trip, it gives you the sense of what it’s like perhaps when you are old, or when you know you are going to die and your days are numbered. Before I left for Asia 6 years ago, it felt like I did more living in the 2 weeks before I left than I did in months leading up to it. Now, I find myself once again leaving for the Asia-Pacific region, and again, the same thing is happening this time around.

It makes me wonder what life would be like if we lived this way everyday. With a real sense of the fleetness of our existence. I mean, people pay lip service to the brevity of life all the time. But alas, we invariably fall prey to the day to day, to ruts, to excesses of time wasters, and of roundabout or slower than needed approaches to life’s unfoldings. I think this is especially pertinent when it comes to personal relationships. How many times do we know we want to express something to someone we care about, but either don’t, or perhaps leave it unacknowledged. Like that girl that we really like and tell ourselves that we’ll get to know her and eventually ask her out. Why not just walk right up to her out of the blue and ask her out? Would save you a lot of time, that’s for sure. Especially if in the end it ends up being wasted time for all intents and purposes. And those friends we are always meaning to hang out with, that we have so much fun with and care about, but perhaps we decline their invitations to outings due to school, work in the a.m., etc. Or some plan, adventure, thing you really want to do or see, that has been in the back of your head, you’ve been meaning to get around to doing for a while now, but just haven’t had the chance to. These things, this life we desire and that our subconscious thinks of and craves, but we rarely create in RL with the immediacy it deserves until faced with a deadline. Then all of a sudden your perspective will change. Hesitation and planning becomes action and immediacy.

I feel that an impending change of scenery such as that provided by a long, distant and protracted voyage, gives one a taste of what it may be like to be faced with an imminent terminal deadline. The details are forgotten and the essentials are sought and enriched. I just wish I could live my live like this at every turn. Indeed, I feel as though some do. We see and come across them all the time. And sadly, I would have to say that I’ve come across the opposite as well. People who don’t value straight up honesty, bluntness and straightforwardness, who might be apt to avoid an honest h2h, who are unsure, unable to make a decision as it seems too big, too important, too immediate for them to deal with. Who delay something that could be good, for the day that something they tell themselves could potentially be better comes along. Who tell themselves “not today because I have other immediate priorities right now, but tomorrow though!”. I’ve been there, I’ve done this ad infinitum, guilty as charged. These few occasions before a big ol extended vacation however, have shown me what it truly is to live like any mortal being should.

Distill

This was originally a note I just wrote to myself, but thought I’d go out on a limb and post it to show some of what was going through my head at the time. I think it’s part of the changing mentality that lead me to achieving my dream of work-travel-adventure, and thusly why I decided to share it with the world.

Jan 22, 2010

Distill, distill, distill, distill, distill.

There are certain deep rooted things that we all want, need and crave as humans, mammals and people. Everything else, as I am starting to realize, is just details.

Love, food, shelter, warmth, belonging, friends, shared experiences, purpose, significance. We all want these. But it seems to me lately that “the blueprint” for modern lives, at best, addresses these in a roundabout way. Or addresses it for someone other than yourself. I dunno. It’s fucked. We spend a lot of time on shit that’s not important. That’s really just not that important. I think. I recently read a blog post by bankrobber, and I believe it’s much more significant than one would imagine or give credence at first glance.  This post was so significant to me in fact that I put it in my bookmark bar and labeled it “READ DAILY”. Lest one forgets, right?

http://bankrobbertrades.blogspot.com/2010/06/keep-your-eye-on-ball.html

It’s not just about focus or goals or any of that bullshit. It’s about getting back to what the human condition is meant to be like in its natural state I believe. We did not evolve with a fucking computer in front of our faces, or a cell in our pocket. Fuck that. I hate cell phones and I hate texting. And emails and facebook for that matter. Sometimes you really just got to simplify shit. And how does one do this?

I imagine a distiller. I need to distill my life. It’s not that I don’t like you all, my hundreds of facebook friends and all. It’s just that I can’t handle it. My brain can’t compute the barrage of information I receive everyday. I’m not ADD. I don’t crave, seek or want stimuli. In fact I yearn for the dead opposite. Sometimes overly so. So I feel like I need to distill my life. Distill my friends. Distill my activities, time and thoughts and efforts. And once that’s done, distill it all again. And then distill that yet again. I need to triple distill the fuck out of my life. And then, once and for good measure, a final distillation. Cut the fat out of the lean of the leanest. Get down to the prime, the premium and the truth and purpose.

I’m sorry, I’d love to spread myself out over all of you like butter. And for the longest time, indeed that is what I feel like I have been trying to do. I just think too much of too many people to allow many friendships to wither. I don’t want them to. I love people. I love connections. But it’s just not feasible I’m realizing. You can’t be friends with everyone, you can’t do everything, and as much as I’ve said no in the past, you sometimes need to cut all the cords, strings and other attachments that hold you back and inhibit movement. Puppets don’t fucking fly (and PS, magnets? What’s with that shit? Try to explain that one science! (Thank you Insane Clown Posse)).

But for reals. Every thought, notion, emotion and activity occupies some of your mental capacity, be it current (RAM) or subconscious (HD). If you tune out, power off all the bull shit, details and excess, you are left with crisp, clean consciousness that will allow you to be in tune with the now, with what is current and important with your life, and allow you to see and create opportunities that your rear view mirror would otherwise be blocking.

Distill, distill, distill. And then distill that shiet. Quadruple sec stylee.

Wake up sleepyhead.

The coiling of the spring

Up and down like a see saw
Coast along with no real cause
Tranquilized by the scenery
Hypnotized so easily

Cash crops are down again
I only wish I had a real friend
Grass is growing in the backyard
Thinking clear is getting so hard

I used to dream about everything in colour
Now it seems it’s only black & white
I used to drive fast cars in the summer
Now everything I do
There’s nothing good to sing about

I’m going out tonight
Crowd surfing until daylight


Fall 2010

Every day is the same. You know the feeling. Staying up late. Sleeping in. Drifting. Where has the stoke gone? The focus?

Has a month already gone past? I moved back to Vancouver to finish a project, the final one holding me back from graduating. One. Simple. Paper. A month later and I hardly seemed closer to the goal.

I partied. I got strepthroat. I kept partying. I got mono. I was so happy to move close to my friends from University again and yet I rarely saw them. The fall was one of the most beautiful I can remember and I biked aimlessly through the tree lined streets, full of leaves. Melancholy. The mono got worse. I became a recluse. It was lonely. I wasted hours, days seeking inspiration on the internet, watching YouTube videos of surfing in Indonesia, reading blogs of people wandering the planet, perpetual travellers, vagabonds. My mind was already over school. I wanted to travel, to escape so badly but this one stupid thing was holding me back.

I extended my rent for 2 more weeks. I was out of money and started living off my credit card. I didn’t finish the project. Moved in with Dad and slept on the floor. For a month. It was depressing. In that half conscious time as sleep sets in, I would look down from a distant vantage point and could see my life scrolling by, as if with a cursor…

But eventually, painfully, it got done. The shackles were removed. I knew what was next. Fuck the norm, fuck safety, fuck sticking around. Time to bring back the adventure, the joy and the excitement. I was free and needed to get some fresh air. It was time to close YouTube and see the world.

Found in a Thrift Shop Fall 2010